Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
