mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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