my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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