I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
