I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
