I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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