You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
