i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize