I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize