I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
