The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
