only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
