im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
