3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Soap is not a condiment
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize