all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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