Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
should my penis look like a turkey
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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