If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
