I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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