Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
