I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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