Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
