Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
