wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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