batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
