Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
