Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
