he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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