someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
