There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
