you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
