I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize