Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
