I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
