The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
