Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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