i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
