I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
