I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
