epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
