You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
