she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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