we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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