My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize