I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
