The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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