got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
