Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Four minutes until I can fart!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
