He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
