I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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