I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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