is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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