my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so let's talk penis.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
