a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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