What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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