umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
