So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
FUCK WHALES
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
