ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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