Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
false alarm, still single
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
