captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
