the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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