It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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