we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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