if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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