my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
