Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
