I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
