dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
