I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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